To my esteemed daughter little g,
It has come to my attention that your verbal skills are lacking in several areas. Although your voice is strong and powerful, it lacks diction and enuciation, essential qualities for modern discourse.
Take for example, your vocal outburst with not being allowed to dump the contents of my satchel all over the floor during church. In a moment of quiet reverie, you screamed so loudly that the lady next to us in the pew covered her ears. I also felt your shrill response in the recesses of my auditory appendages, and it caused great pain.
Then again on this very day, your shouts during meal time were offensive to my sensibilities. I was reminded of a prehistoric beast bellowing at its prey. The air shook with the sounds of your displeasure which resonated off every wall. It begged the question, are you a baby or a pterodactyl? And at the table no less!
While on the subject of mealtime decorum, may I recommend the use of silverware and table linens? After lunch I wondered how pizza sauce and blueberry juice found its way on your eyebrows, under every fingernail, in your elbow creases and all over your face. Is there confusion as to the location of your mouth? Did your hand lose its way en route?
I request you amend your behavior immediately in an attempt to conform to the ladylike expectations of the day. And while you may think eighteen months young for this form of censure, I assure you I make this request with your future in mind.